The Infertility Handbook The Complete Resource for Couples Longing to have a Baby by Angela I. Hutchins

Author:Angela I. Hutchins
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Health & Fitness/Infertility
ISBN: 9781921497506
Publisher: The Infertility Handbook
Published: 2009-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Jealousy

Everyone within the IF community will experience this emotion at some point. It may be a mild case of annoyance or displeasure at hearing a person you know is pregnant. At its worst, you will be enraged at another’s pregnancy news and not be able to hide it. For me, I would always cry after a pregnancy announcement. Most friends or family members would call first and break the news gently, which was considerate. I was ambushed in public a few times, which wasn’t pleasant. I managed to curtail my emotions in their presence or when on the phone, but afterwards in private the floodgates would burst.

These reactions are a response to our own infertility and not intentionally directed at the woman who is pregnant, even if our first instinct is wanting to scream at her. These humble and joyous announcements emphasise what we don’t have and long for with every bone in our body. It’s a primal scream or ache that surfaces at this time.

In looking at my own emotions and those of infertile friends, I have found that we often sit in judgment of those with children. We assess whether they are worthy or unworthy of having children. Those who are least deserving receive the brunt of our jealousy—the evening news usually highlights a family who has careless disregard for their children, or reports of a baby being abandoned or brutalised. This is a remote or distanced way of dealing with these emotions, as the situations don’t involve people we know. When someone close to us becomes pregnant the emotional heat is turned up. If it’s your sister or sister-in-law there is a complicated mix of happiness, sadness and jealousy. What you feel on any given day is as random as the flip of a coin. One day you may be happy to discuss what colour to paint the nursery, the next day you may not want to be involved. The families concerned have to balance between the joy of one daughter and sadness of another. It’s a difficult time and requires love and understanding from everyone involved.

My worst jealous rage happened when my mum was staying with us for a few days. She was talking on the phone to a relative, my cousin, who was due to give birth at any moment. The conversation was loud, animated and excited about the impending birth, which is as it should be. However, listening to that conversation filled me with rage. I hated Mum and my cousin more than anyone else in the world that day. I wanted that to be me on the end of the line, talking about my baby. I wanted to be able to discuss all those pregnancy and birth things, which at the time I knew nothing about. I was so enraged I was speechless, that innocent conversation drove a knife into my heart. I’ve never felt jealousy so powerful and consuming.

I couldn’t even begin to explain to Mum the enormity of what I felt, and I don’t know if she would fully understand if I did.

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